Things I Would Like to See Before I Leave This Earth

Beer bottles with built-in breathalyzers
Asian kids with random English words tattooed on their arms
A man with a collection of urinal cakes from every city in the United States
Street signs for prostitute crossing
Kites that say, “Take me higher, Jesus!” under a picture of Scott Stapp
A package of scrapple with ingredients that read, “Random stuff someone dropped on the carpet.”
Baby powder that acts as Viagra
Bats that grow to be the size of bears
Pho flavored pizza
Laundromats that sell trash bags, butcher knives, and Big League Chew
An inspiring romantic comedy centered around a postman in a wheelchair
Traffic signals that shoot laser beams at your car when the light turns red
A parking lot downtown that is free
Socks that expand into puffy foam cushions when they get wet
A bicycle made entirely out of skeletons
Paper shredders that turn documents into an assortment of fancy cheeses
Plants that grow everyday household tools
Edible, liquor flavored silly string
Invisible baseballs
A basketball game played on pogo sticks
Glow in the dark chopsticks (for ninjas)
Rum flavored toothpaste (for pirates)
Moon block lotion (for werewolves)
Cheesesteak flavored coffee (for Philadelphians)
A gym that plays the Ultimate Warrior’s entrance music every half hour
Candy bars with anti-melt technology
A flag for the planet Earth that is the shape and texture of a Dorito
An after-hours strip club run by ugly sweater-wearing grandmas
A tattoo of a man giving a tattoo to a man of a tattooed man getting tattooed while eating a fish taco

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