10 System of a Down Songs for People Who Hate Politics

Alan Ritch on March 24, 2021

People hate songs about politics even when they’re by political bands. It’s a strange phenomenon. There’s much confusion about what makes a political band. It can easily be determined by reading or listening to the lyrics, but who has time for those shenanigans?  

If you’re confused, here’s a freebie: Rage Against the Machine is a political band. Their music has always been political, and it always will be. If that’s a shocker, hold on to your pocket full of shells. You know that crazy Armenian band who sang about sitting around with mushroom people? I hate to tell you this, but they’re also political. That’s right, System of a Down writes about politics. Sorry.

I understand your frustration. You don’t want musicians to tell you how bad the government is. You know that the government sucks and that wars aren’t fun. Sometimes you wanna rock out with your cock out, and a history lesson is an instant boner killer. If that’s the case, these System of a Down songs will achieve that goal.

1. “Cigaro”

Speaking of raging hard-ons, “Cigaro” is about a member so huge and powerful that it walks through doors. I’ve never seen anything like that happen, and I don’t want to.

This song sarcastically attacks rich fat cats who think they’re better than everyone. Serj Tankian says these “propagators of all genocide” are “burning through the world’s resources,” but don’t worry, that’s as political as it gets! The greatness of this song is the ability to shout, “Can’t you see that I love my cock?” while headbanging like a savage beast.

2. “Chic ‘N’ Stu”

There aren’t nearly enough metal songs about pizza. Where you at, metal singers? Take a break from Satan and get down with some sausage and pepperoni. That’s what SOAD did with “Chic ‘N’ Stu.”

The record is titled Steal This Album!, but this song stole a pizza my heart. It’s great to blast after returning from the bar at 2 a.m. on an empty stomach. Serj points out the harmful effects of consumerism, but it just makes me crave a large, piping hot pie in my mouth. No mushrooms, please.

3. “Kill Rock ‘n Roll”

Legend has it that Daron Malakian wrote this song after accidentally running over a rabbit in his driveway. It works considering the lines, “Eat all the grass that you want / Accidents happen in the dark.” You can tell this death was traumatic for him.

I’ve read variations of the story but no confirmation. In one version, it was Daron’s bunny named Rock ‘n Roll. In another account, it was Serj’s pet that Daron ran over. Maybe some friendless middle-school dork made it up, posted it on YouTube, and now the whole internet believes it. 

One thing is for sure – it’s not about the Armenian Genocide. Or is it?

4. “Old School Hollywood”

The passing of an innocent rabbit is depressing. Let’s lighten things up with a song about America’s favorite pastime. This track is about old dudes playing baseball in Hollywood. Nothing more, nothing less. Except for the laser sounds and robot voice that gives it a Super Baseball 2020 for Sega Genesis vibe.

Daron penned this quirky criticism of washed-up actors after participating in the 45th annual Hollywood Stars Night at Dodger Stadium. It’s not surprising that he singled out Tony Danza for cutting in line. That dude thinks he’s the boss of everyone.

5. “Psycho”

“Psycho” from Toxicity starts with some sick bass riffin’ by Shavo Odadjian. You think it’s going to be a dark, slow-burner until the rest of the band gets released from their shackles. Serj explodes into a tirade about groupies losing their minds on blow. Another day in the life of a rockstar. It could be a Mötley Crüe song, but Vince Neil would pass out trying to shout the chorus.

This song doesn’t just project anger toward psycho whores. One of the last things Serj says is, “You really don’t have to be a ho.” Aw, he cares, after all. How sweet.

6. “Peephole”

Speaking of bad reactions to drugs, “Peephole” from System of a Down also falls into this category. It sounds like a Batman villain wrote it, which makes it both fun and terrifying.

If this is what it feels or sounds like in your head when you first get high, you should never do drugs again. Go to the next carnival sober and eat a bunch of funnel cake.

7. “Radio/Video”

Ah, the joy of hearing your song on the radio. We all know what that’s like, right? Well, if you’re in System of a Down, it’s not always great. Daron told Guitar World, “It’s almost like someone saying, ‘Hey, I’m on the radio,’ but they’re not happy about it.” Man, that sounds rough.

I wonder if his neighbors Danny and Lisa are happy that he dedicated this song to them. They should be. “Radio/Video” may be dripping with sarcasm, but it’s one of System’s most pleasant-sounding songs. I wish they played it on the radio.

8. “Vicinity of Obscenity”

If you like bananas, you’ll like this song. If you like terracotta pie, you’ll love this song. Terracotta is a type of clay used to make pots and other fun things. However, a terracotta pie is something different according to urban dictionaries. I won’t repeat it here, but similar to “Psycho,” it involves hoes.

“Vicinity of Obscenity” should have been the first single from Hypnotize. This mistake shows how out-of-touch record execs are. The song boasts a cool, “in da club” vibe while making you jump up and down like a frog. If your legs are sore the next day, eat some bananas. Potassium does wonders for leg cramps.

9. “This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I’m on This Song”

Drugs are bad, mkay? But everything will be okay if you don’t eat the fish. If that’s not enlightenment for today’s youth, what is? Mezmerize is loaded with that kind of PMA.

The only thing better than banana terracotta pie is gonorrhea gorgonzola. Don’t knock it until you tried it, son. Morgan Freeman said that, and I can imagine him cruising down Hollywood Blvd, hopped up on eight balls, with this song blasting out of his Cadillac.

10. “Bounce”

Let’s end this list like it started, with a song about exposing your giant pogo stick.

It’s hysterical that this track appeared in the animated film The Secret Life of Pets. I’d like to shake the hand of whoever approved that decision.

“Bounce” enables you to hop 30 ft. in the air like a Kangaroo. It also helps you forget about all the terribleness going on in the world. For that, I thank you, System of a Down.

There you have it. A politics-free article about a political band. What’s your favorite non-political System of a Down song?

10 SYSTEM OF A DOWN Songs for People Who Hate Politics

A Christmas Buddy

Alan Ritch on December 18, 2020

Elf

There once was an elf named Buddy. Except he wasn’t an elf. He was human. But for many years, he thought he was an elf. He dressed like an elf and made toys with the elves, and everything was fine (except for the fact that he kind of stunk at making toys). Actually, he was the worst toymaker ever. While the other elves were busy making a thousand Etch A Sketches a day, Buddy could only make 85. What a cotton-headed ninny muggins! As much as he loved Christmas toys, he just wasn’t cut out for an assembly line job.

Then, one day while eavesdropping, he discovered that the elves were lying to him. Strangely, the elves didn’t see this giant human standing right next to them while they were talking about him, but that’s Hollywood for you. Buddy learned that he was just a human, and his playboy of a father, who didn’t even know he had a son, lived in New York City. This was a problem because Buddy lived at the North Pole his entire life. So, when Buddy decides to pay a surprise visit to his dad, the hilarity that ensues is not entirely unexpected.

It’s unfair to say that Buddy is just a human. In Elf, Will Ferrell put his entire heart and soul into the role. Jon Favreau is a genius for casting him. He isn’t just physically bigger than the elves; his spirit is also larger. There’s nothing Buddy loves more than Christmas. That’s why it initially hurt him so much to learn he was human. He loved being an elf! Those silly little elves shouldn’t have lied to him. They should all be on Santa’s naughty list. However, no. 2 on “The Code of Elves” states, “There’s room for everyone on the nice list.” That’s a sweet little loophole they have there. Either way, Buddy gets a permanent spot on the nice list. All he wants to do is make people happy and spread Christmas cheer. He doesn’t need a set of codes to remind him to “Treat every day like Christmas.” He has a more positive outlook on life than any human or elf you’ll ever meet. This is most evident when he tells his confused boss:

“I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”

Santa has to explain to Buddy: “Some people, they just lose sight of what’s important in life. That doesn’t mean they can’t find their way again. Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.” Buddy excitedly responds, “I’m good at that!” He’s right. He’s better at it than anyone else. Unfortunately, that’s not how he’s perceived. Like Kris Kringle in Miracle on 34th Street, the majority of people think Buddy is insane. All because he walks around wearing an elf outfit. Walk around NYC for ten minutes, and you’ll see fifty other things that are much crazier.

The thing about Buddy is he’s very . . . different. But he’s different in a good way. He is, and forever will be, young at heart. He’s also extremely innocent and gullible, which can be dangerous (and pretty awkward) in today’s world. In the course of a couple of hours, he gets hit by a taxi, eats gum off a dirty subway railing, sprays perfume in his mouth, gets into a brawl with a department store Santa, and gives his dad sexy lingerie as a gift “for that special someone” (awkwarrrrd). Most people would be mortified by these events, but Buddy doesn’t care. He just laughs it off. Is it because he’s psycho? No. Is it because he’s a sugar junkie? No. Well, maybe. I mean, he eats a lot of sugar. It’s a part of all four of his food groups. That’s not normal. He keeps a bottle of syrup in his shirt sleeve. Who does that? But, is his excitement that strange? Honestly, who doesn’t have fun running through a revolving door? Or pushing all the buttons in an elevator? Or putting syrup and Pop-Tarts and M&M’s all over their spaghetti? Okay, that last one is a little weird. Again, waaay too much sugar. But, sugar or no sugar, Buddy is living life.

A lot of adults are the opposite of Buddy. His father (played perfectly by veteran James Caan), for example, is a boring cynic whose only concern is money. He barely has time for his family, let alone Christmas. While he’s in his office, ignoring his son and failing at life, Buddy is in the basement laughing, dancing, and bringing joy to the blue-collar workers (and not just because he’s hammered). This is why it’s so sad when Walter yells at him and kicks him out of his life. On the flip side, it’s so uplifting when old Scrooge McDuck has a change of heart, tells his client “up yours,” and runs to Buddy’s aid.

Somehow, Buddy can change everyone’s heart. His unwavering spirit is infectious. When he first meets Jovie (played by the lovable Zooey Deschanel), she tells him, “I’m just trying to get through the holidays.” Shocked, Buddy cries:

“Get through? Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world!”

Soon enough, Jovie is laughing, skating, and living the dream with Buddy, while Frank Sinatra’s “You Make Me Feel So Young” plays in the background. This perfect song choice sums up the positive effect Buddy and Christmas can have on a person.

Buddy, along with his family and friends, saved Christmas.

Or, was it Christmas that saved them?

A Christmas Buddy

Is Samuel Bayer’s A Nightmare on Elm Street Really That Bad?

Alan Ritch on September 28, 2020

When this reimagining of A Nightmare on Elm Street was released ten years ago, it received less than favorable reviews. Some horror fans didn’t bother to watch it. Understandably, most people had no interest in seeing anyone other than Robert Englund play Freddy Krueger. They were afraid Jackie Earle Haley would tarnish the image of their beloved horror icon. But, were their fears justified? The answer is yes, and no.

A New Krueger

Jackie Earle Haley plays a darker Freddy Krueger.

Haley’s depiction of our favorite sweater-wearing maniac features a deep, booming voice, which sounds an awful lot like his portrayal of Rorschach in Watchmen. You’ll want to turn the bass down if you’re watching this on a decent stereo system. He is the definition of creepy, and his words will chill you to the bone in a way that Freddy never has. He’s tougher and meaner than the Krueger of old. It’s this anger and realism that elevates the character to a disturbing, new level. In one scene, he hangs his victims by their feet like cattle in a butcher shop. When he tosses Kris around her bedroom and slices her chest open, it feels like you’ve witnessed a Mortal Kombat fatality. As far as the look, his makeup isn’t as pleasing to the eye, but I suppose a burn victim isn’t supposed to look cool.

Kellan Lutz plays Dean, Freddy’s first victim.

Starting things off inside a diner on a rainy night, it isn’t long before we see our first kill. Dean (Kellan Lutz) is forced by you-know-who to slit his throat in front of his terrified girlfriend, Kris. Slasher fans will wish this death was a little gorier and more creative, but it was smart on Freddy’s part to not raise too much suspicion just yet. It’s also an effective way to make Dean’s friends wonder if he was simply crazy or off of his meds.

Lies and Deceit

When questioned why she doesn’t remember appearing in Dean’s childhood picture, Kris’ mother feeds her the bullshit line, “Who can remember being five years old?” Actually, most of us can, unless of course, we experienced great trauma at the hands of a murderer with a charred face and blades for fingers. This glaring red flag gives you a suspicious, uneasy feeling about the adults. More than the original, this story focuses on their dishonesty. You start to think maybe Fred isn’t so bad after all, and it’s the parents who are evil. It’s possible Krueger has every right to be angry. “How do you know he was guilty?” asks Quentin. That is the big question. They do a great job of making the truth uncertain.

Fred’s Cruel Intentions

When Nancy (Rooney Mara) and Quentin venture into Freddy’s room in the basement of the school, it’s an intense moment. Up to that point, you still wonder if he’s innocent. When Quentin finds disturbing pictures of Nancy, it seals the deal on what a bastard Fred actually was. It’s an interesting choice by Bayer to not show us the pictures. It leaves it up to our own twisted imaginations. Quentin explains, “He’s not after us because we lied. He’s after us because we told the truth,” to which Nancy adds, “He brought us here so we would remember what he did to us.” This is the part that’s really messed up. The only problem is that it’s a little too late. Because of the odd pace, I had no emotional attachment to the kids. I had no sympathy for them because I never saw them lose their innocence. This scene could have packed a really powerful punch much earlier in the film.

Shuddersome Scenes

Nancy (Rooney Mara) is trapped inside an unsettling nightmare with Freddy Krueger.

Krueger’s creepiness is on full display in the last act. We are treated to such menacing lines as “Why are you screaming? I haven’t even cut you yet,” and, “Your mouth says no, but your body says yes” (made extra unpleasant by the fact that he says this over top of a helpless Nancy in bed). The writers continuously allude to the idea that she was raped. At one point, Krueger asks, “How’s this for a wet dream?” while Nancy fights to not drown in a hallway full of blood. It’s a great image and one that makes you wish Fred manipulated the environment more. An interesting aspect of his powers was always that he could basically do anything while inside the dreamworld.  

A Memory or Just a Dream?

The familiar theme music gives you a nice nostalgic feel. However, for the most part, the remainder of this remake does not. Often there is more blood, just for brutality’s sake. Some scenes are recreated with the effects slightly enhanced, such as Freddy emerging through the wall of Nancy’s bedroom. And we get the classic shot (twice) of Fred scraping his fingers on the boiler room wall.

Jackie Earle Haley leaves his mark on the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise.

There are other nods to the original film. Nancy burns her arm with the car’s cigarette lighter to stay awake, in the same spot the first Nancy burned herself with a hot pipe. Krueger is seen using a garden cultivator at the school, just like the one Rod used to scare his friends with in the first film. And in the last scene, Freddy comes crashing through a living room mirror, exactly as he did all those years ago in Nancy’s bedroom. These are fun to spot as a fan, but they don’t exactly add value to the story.

Is This Nightmare Worth Revisiting?

This version isn’t bad, it just isn’t up to the A Nightmare onElm Street standard. It would stand out more if it were the first tale in the franchise. Overall, this has a way darker feel. It’s not as campy as the original, which featured some corny acting. Wes Craven’s film feels like a Halloween movie, while this one does not. Bayer attempted to cut the cheesiness from his remake, and he succeeded. If you’re in the mood to see Freddy with less humor and theatrics, this is the way to go. Haley is slow, methodical, and downright vicious. In that regard, it’s unique for a Freddy film, but not for the horror genre itself.

Is Samuel Bayer’s A Nightmare on Elm Street Really That Bad?